Chapter 3: Healing and Remembrance
How to deal with anniversaries and big events?
Special dates and events, such as birthdays or the day your child died, can trigger a lot of memories both happy and sad. It can create a profound sense of loss and can be difficult to come to terms with.
Significant anniversaries and life events, such as birthdays, going to university, or the day your child died can provoke a lot of emotions for you and your family. In particular, dealing the with anniversaries of your child’s death can be an incredibly difficult time which can bring back intense emotions and memories.
Some people choose to do something to mark big events, while others will spend those days alone as a family just trying to get through the day as best you can. It can also be helpful to tell your child’s school in advance of any significant dates so the teacher is aware that your child may be upset or so that activities can be tailored to be less triggering on the lead up to birthdays and holidays.
Please remember there is no right or wrong way to deal with these dates, it’s just important you don’t feel pressure to do anything you are not able to especially in the first few years of grieving. Allowing yourself the space to grieve and remember your child in ways which feel meaningful and healing to you.
Breege’s son Ruairí was 13.5 months when he passed away. She tells us how difficult it was to do anything on her son’s birthday especially in those early years.
"I think you learn over the years what feels best, and it’s different for everyone and sometimes varies from year to year. In the early years, we would draw pictures and hang them in his room, create messages for his memory wall, plant flowers to bloom in summer, and blow bubbles to heaven in the garden.
Six years into life without Ruairí, his birthday is now a quiet and somber day. We don't do anything specific; in those first few years, I felt pressure to 'do' something, but it doesn’t feel like a day to celebrate—it feels incredibly sad. I'll write messages to Ruairí on his memory wall and light a special candle. If it’s a day when we’re all home, we’ll go for a family walk. This past year, we went for a long walk on the beach and wrote his name in the sand, which felt just right."
BREEGE HOYNE,
CHARLIE & RUAIRÍ’S MUM
Gracie Nuttall speaks about how her parents have helped on anniversaries and big events since her sister Laura died in 2023.
Anniversaries: Helping each other
Gracie shares what her parents have done to help her.
Sarah Moyes from Sibling Support shares how she spent her first Christmas without her sister.
"The last time my whole family spent together before my sister Rebecca died was Christmas 2022. While I am grateful for the memories I have, it meant that the next Christmas without her felt incredibly difficult. On the run up to Christmas, I avoided the holiday as much as I could. I didn't watch any Christmas films or listen to any festive music.
I chose to spend the next Christmas in Ireland with my boyfriend's family because staying in Scotland and seeing my own family was too difficult. My parents didn't even put up a tree because it just didn't feel like there was anything to celebrate."
SARAH MOYES,
REBECCA’S SISTER
Deciding what to do on big events, such as birthdays or holidays, is something which only you will be able to decide for your family. If you do want to do something, then here are a few suggestions of things you can do with your family:
* If the day itself is too difficult, you can always do things another time if you want to mark the occasion.
-
Picking flowers, they liked or flowers in a colour they liked and taking them to a special place can be a nice gesture to remember your child on special occasions and something the whole family can be involved in.
-
Ask your child or the whole family to decorate a plantable memory heart with a message to their sibling which will grow into wildflowers after being place in soil. You can order your own memory heart free from Sibling Support’s website here
-
Your family can take it in turns to suggest places to visit which you used to enjoy going to together. It can be a beneficial way for the whole family to feel close to you child and talk about your favourite memories together.
-
Christmas can be a particularly tricky time as you are trying to navigate grieving for your child who died while also still making the holidays special for your children. Download our activity sheets and let your children make their brother and/or sister a special decorate to hang on your tree.
-
Listening to your child's favourite songs can also be a comforting experience for siblings and other family members. Music has a unique way of connecting us to our emotions and memories, helping everyone feel close to your child.
Download our activity sheet here to explore this activity and keep those special memories alive.
-
Rewatching movies that your child loved can be a meaningful way for your family to recreate shared experiences and relive happy memories. This activity is especially comforting on significant days, like their birthday, as it can help family members feel close to the child and cherish those moments together.
Download our activity sheet here to guide your family through this special activity.
Sibling Support also asked its supporters to share how they remember their brother or sister on their birthdays. Here are some of the ways in which they do that.
As you’ll see there are so many ways to do something if you want to:
"It's my bro's birthday tomorrow—his third without him. I'm never sure if I should do anything. Part of me wants to let it pass quietly, as it just hurts and upsets everyone. Other times, I want to have a huge drink on a hillside and think about him. I guess there’s no wrong or right. Maybe as time goes on, I'll want to do something I know would make him smile."
"Have a little drink and try to keep busy. Celebrate rather than mourn.”
"On my sister's birthday,
I go to her favourite restaurant."
"We always have cake and I make
a wish for him."
"As a family, we always try to meet up and do something together to remember our wonderful sister. This year, we went to the pantomime, and it was great fun - I know she would have found it hilarious. We also use the money we would've spent on her birthday present on a gift for someone we know that's in need or having a difficult time - whether it be flowers or a voucher. This year, a family we know well had sadly lost their son, so we brought them an annual family pass for a local attraction. I know my sister would want us to do this and it's our way of continuing her legacy.