Chapter 3: Healing and Remembrance
How to honour the child and create new memories?
Honouring and remembering your child is an important part of the grieving process. Not only does it help keep their memory alive, but it provides a way for you to express your emotions and find some meaning for your grief.
There are lots of different things you can do including creating a memory box or scrapbook, going for a walk to their favourite place, watching their favourite movie, or fundraising in their name.
Download our Remembrance Tree activity. Ask your children to write something special about their brother or sister, or a nice memory on each leaf.
There is no right or wrong way to remember your child. It’s a deeply personal process and will differ depending on you and your family, and it will most likely change over time.
In this section, we wanted to give you some ways you can remember your child as well as hearing from young people and their parents on what they have done to remember their loved ones.
Mark and Nicola Nuttall’s daughter Laura died when she was 23-years-old. They share what they do to remember Laura:
"We've done a number of 'memorials' over the years. For the first couple of anniversaries (her birthday/day she died), family and friends released lanterns wherever they were. However, at the time we had no idea how bad for the environment and unsafe for animals they were so would no longer recommend!! About 30 of Olivia's friends and family members all got a tattoo of a lightning bolt on our ankles - she was very short so used to draw them on her trainers to help her 'run faster'.
As the years have passed, it has become less of a ceremonial event which I actually think is a good change. Now we will drop round each other's homes and have a night in etc. She would have turned 30 last July, so me and a bunch of her friends all met up on a Wednesday night and just went to a casual restaurant and ate a bunch of pizza!
I don't think the big anniversary gestures are what helps me to remember her, but I absolutely love just everyday conversations where a funny story about her will pop up and we just talk about how amazing and unique she was. This always brings a big smile to my face knowing that there is always an everlasting piece with everyone who ever had the honour of meeting her. I think those moments are the most special for remembering someone you've lost."
GEORGIA DEWAR,
OLIVIAS’S SISTER
If you’re struggling to find the right words remember:
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Creating a memory box or scrapbook is something which your family can do together. You can get your children involved by picking their favourite photos or writing down their memories in a scrapbook, or by choosing items of clothing or toys to put in a memory box. You can also create one for your family as well as individual ones for your children with items which are specifically special to them.
Download our “My Favourite Day” activity and encourage your child to write or draw about their favourite day with their sibling and add it to the box.
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Lots of families choose to fundraise for a cause close to their hearts when a young person has died. Fundraising in someone’s memory can be a positive way to cope with grief by transforming it into something constructive. It’s also a great way to keeping someone’s memory alive and giving your family a sense of achievement.
There are lots of different ways to fundraise. You could organise a fundraising walk, have a bake sale, organise a raffle, or take on challenge like a marathon.
Lucy Gash was 17 years old when her 22-year-old brother Liam died. He would have been 40 this year, and Lucy has been taking part in 40 different fundraising events in his memory including a 40-mile hike and a couple of half marathons raising funds for Sibling Support.
Read Lucy’s story here.
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Making a memory quilt or toy from your child’s clothes can be an incredibly special way to honour and remember them. Sarah Moyes from Sibling Support shares what her mum did following the death of her sister, Rebecca. See it underneath.
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James’ little sister Chloe died from cancer age 10, and in her memory he and his family have been paintings stones and taking them on their travels. This could be on holiday, to somewhere your children liked to spend time together, or just out on a nice family walk. It can be a good creative outlet for children and a nice way of them remembering their brother or sister.
Watch the video of James talking about Chloe’s stones here.
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Going for a walk to your child’s favourite place with their siblings can be a meaningful way to remember them. It can give your children a quiet place for reflection and grieving, but also provide comfort in a familiar setting.
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If your child had a favourite meal, then you might find cooking that dish is a good way to remember them as a family. It can also be a good way to spend time together and share memories or talk about your feelings.
Download our recipe card here and get cooking!
"My mum made all our family memory bears from some of Rebecca's clothes so we would always have something special to keep. She had never made anything like this before, but learning a new skill also gave her a sense of purpose and kept her busy in the first year of grieving."
Sarah said : “We also received a card with pictures and a description of when Rebecca was wearing the clothes she chose for our bears. It's my most prized procession.”